But it doesn’t have to be as scary as it seems. There are several healthy ways to cope during this time, to still remain a huge part of your children’s lives and holiday — all while taking advantage of some much-needed solo time for everything from reflection to self-care to socializing with friends. Before you know it, your first kid-free holiday might turn out to be… fun (*gasp!*).

Embrace Technology

It’s 2023, mamas. If kids are spending a holiday at your ex’s, at college, or away with friends, that’s absolutely no reason you can’t “spend” some of that holiday with them too — virtually. “Calling or texting your child helps you stay connected. Take pictures or videos of what you are doing and share it with your children if possible. Tell them you love them and miss them. Wish them a fun and happy time wherever they are spending their holiday,” counselor Casey Lee tells SheKnows.

But don’t let your kids think you’re pained by their absence. Put on a smile when communicating with them, and make it a positive moment. “Make sure that they are protected from feeling guilty and responsible for the pain that is caused by not being able to be with them during the holidays,” she says.   

Don’t Just Sit at Home Alone

For crying out loud. Why would you do that? “Surround yourself with other family and friends who care about you. Reach out to them so you are not alone,” says Lee. “Being with other people you love, who will listen and support you, can bring some comfort,” she says.  It also helps take your mind off the sadness of not being with your children. You’ll be too distracted by all the good vibes around you.  

Be Flexible to Limit Stress

Trying to demand more time (whether face time or FaceTime) with your kids when it’s the other parent’s holiday turn, or when your adult kids have simply chosen another place to celebrate that day, only adds stress. “Be happy with the time you’re given. If you can’t spend Christmas Day with your children but can see them the 26th, 27th or perhaps New Year’s Day, it’s important to find a way to be content with that,” marital and family lawyer Charles D. Jamieson, Esq., tells SheKnows.

“Society bombards us with unrealistic images of the perfect ‘Hallmark Christmas,’ but the truth of the matter is, even your traditional happy family units don’t live up to those expectations,” he says. The holidays are never going to be perfect, so you have to take full advantage of the time you do have with your children.  

You may even have the opportunity to start new family traditions on the days you have with them. “As long as you make your time with them special, they won’t care if it’s their ‘second Christmas’ so to speak. They’ll love every moment they get to spend with you,” he says.

Send a Gift

“If you are not granted the opportunity to see your kids at all during the holidays, you should absolutely still send them a gift. Include a card that lets them know you love them and are thinking of them even if you can’t be together,” says Jamieson. Plus, hunting down gifts for each child can be really fun — and it’s a way of feeling the love and positive emotions you have for them during the time you are apart. That connection will stay strong, regardless of proximity.  

Do Something for Yourself

The holidays are a hectic, stressful time for anyone, and especially newly-single moms and newbie empty nesters — and the expectations we place on ourselves during this season can be very overwhelming. “Remember to take care of yourself during this time and be kind to yourself. Make sure you’re getting enough sleep, exercising, and take time to visit friends or other family members,” says Jamieson.  

You can also try volunteering, which will take your mind off your own specific family and place it on helping others instead. “There are also so many activities [that] give back [and] organizations to get involved with during the holidays. Whether it’s helping with a toy drive, serving in a meal line or volunteering at a local animal shelter, doing good for others will take your mind off your situation and make you feel good during this troubled time,” Jamieson adds.   

Be Patient

“It’s OK to not be OK — to miss your kids, to feel sad during the holidays or for the period you are apart. Be patient and gentle with yourself,” Emily Cosgrove, a licensed marriage and family therapist and a life coach, tells SheKnows.  

“Be kind to yourself with your thoughts. Give yourself time and space to process these emotions. Things will get better with time,” she says. Focus on practicing self-care while alone. “Self-care [can] include no-social-media time, getting enough sleep, eating healthy meals before indulging in holiday treats, exercising and getting fresh air and taking vitamins — especially if you are susceptible to illness or seasonal affective disorder,” she says. “Self-care can also include setting boundaries and saying no to things that are too stressful or overwhelming,” she adds. Figure out what works for you and what helps you cope during this transitional period.  

If you’re alone as a parent for the holidays, look for ways to be present and connected to your kids, both when you’re with them and apart. And think of how you can be there for yourself, too — integrate self-care habits, think of new traditions you can start that will be special for yourself or for your family moving forward. And above all, cut yourself some slack.  

Board-certified lactation consultant Leigh Anne O’Connor tells SheKnows that not only is co-sleeping safe when practiced correctly; it actually decreases the SIDS risks if the parent is nursing the co-sleeping baby. “The baby and their breastfeeding parent attune to each other in a specific way when they are breastfeeding. The baby picks up the breathing pattern of their parent,” O’Connor explains. As for co-sleeping with older kids? Well, there’s really not much of a risk at all there — other than, you know, a potential kick to the eye and/or a dent in your sex life.

And although co-sleeping has spurred major debate, there are plenty of celebs who swear by it for reasons as varied as the families themselves. Plus, co-sleeping is just one spoke of the whole attachment parenting wheel — along with practices like extended breastfeeding, baby-led weaning, and baby-wearing — that hopes to encourage family bonding and closeness in a safe, natural way. Who can argue with that? (You can, of course — but if you choose to do so in the comments, please do it kindly. Alanis Morissette may be watching.)

A version of this story was originally published in March 2016.

This year the girls and I are going to decorate the entire house. This year I’m going to be extra creative with Elf on the Shelf. This year we’re going to start new holiday traditions and carry on the ones I hold near and dear from my childhood. But this year, and every year, it’s always easier said than done. I don’t care what anyone says. Living with mental health issues during the holiday is so hard.

The girls can’t wait to go shopping for family and friends. They want to spend hours exploring the mall with its lit-up storefronts and nonstop loop of holiday music. And, honestly, I get it. They’ve been waiting for the opportunity to wholeheartedly embrace everything holly-jolly about this time for the past two years while the world was kind of a mess. But not only am I not in a festive mood, I just don’t have the energy to add even more things to my to-do list. 

It’s easy to get bogged down by the expectation that your mental health magically gets better over the holidays. In all honesty, it’s really overwhelming and, quite frankly, exhausting. Yes, I want to make each and every celebration special for my kids, but wanting to do that and actually doing it are worlds apart.

One of the hardest things about my depression is that it’s not obvious to everyone around me. I still volunteer in the classroom, and I still decorate the tree. The sugar cookies get baked, and the stockings get hung. I function. But not at full speed, and definitely not with effortless joy. 

Having high-functioning depression leaves me stuck somewhere between trying to cram as much holiday magic into December as I can, and bawling my eyes out while I wrap presents. Part of it is because I feel overwhelmed. But another part comes with feeling so frustrated that I can’t just enjoy things like everybody else seems to.

Oh, and the guilt. How could I forget? If it wasn’t hard enough to fake the holly jolly-ness of the season for everyone to see, the overwhelming guilt that comes with not making everything a perfect winter wonderland for my littles … absolutely engulfs me. 

If I’m being honest, I’d do just about anything to pull myself out of this funk. But if you’ve ever lived with depression or any mental health issues, you know that’s not how it works. I mean, if it was, do you think anyone would choose to struggle this way?

If you feel like I do this holiday season, don’t despair, Mama. You can still enjoy the holidays even when it feels impossible to get into the Christmas mood. 

Amy DeBlase LMHC, a therapist with Let’s Talk Psychological Wellness, agrees that simply wrangling yourself out of your depression probably shouldn’t be your go-to plan.

“We can’t truly wrangle ourselves out of depression, especially during a particularly challenging time like the holiday season,” Amy says. Instead, she shares other suggestions to help you get through. “Try prioritizing self-care and utilizing supports like therapists, loved ones, or helplines. And if you’re looking for something you can do internally, try developing a mantra focused on acceptance of the hard feelings you’re feeling, while also trying to find joy in small moments.” 

I know what you’re thinking. That’s great and all, but I don’t have time to take a self-care soak in the bath every day I feel down. And going to get a massage or investing in some new skincare just isn’t in the budget right now — hello, have you missed that it’s almost Christmas? The great news, though, is that self-care doesn’t have to involve spending money. And it also doesn’t have to take up large blocks of time during your day. Practicing self-care can be done in the smallest ways. Take a few moments to journal (maybe sneak in that mantra) or simply ask for some help. Yes, you’re Wonder Woman … but that doesn’t mean you have to do all of it alone. Remember, you aren’t failing when the task you set out to achieve is impossible for one person to do.

But what if all the self-care in the world doesn’t fix things? Truthfully, sometimes I’m afraid that if I let myself feel too sad, everything will just fall to pieces. (Hence, weeping while wrapping gifts.) But here’s the thing: Believe it or not, things won’t totally fall apart. Taking time to process your feelings and making space for the less-than-holly-jolly time won’t destroy anything. Keeping your feelings all bottled up with no healthy outlet, on the other hand, definitely doesn’t do you any favors. 

So even though this is the season of cheer and non-stop errands and events, give yourself permission to slow down. Trying to do it all, all the time, with perfection in mind is a recipe for disaster, especially when you’re also balancing your mental health. Being a parent living with depression during the holiday season can indeed be a challenge, but it doesn’t make you any less. It doesn’t mean your family’s Christmas celebration will shine any less brightly, and it doesn’t mean that you aren’t doing enough.

The best gift you can give your kiddos this holiday season is a mom who takes care of herself. A mom who is present. And a mom who enjoys this time with their family, even when it isn’t picture-perfect. Teaching your kids while they’re young to prioritize themselves and their emotional, mental, and physical well-being is truly the gift that keeps on giving.

While society largely touts breastfeeding as a priceless bonding experience and the healthiest method of feeding a child — you know, the condescending and stigmatizing “breast is best” motto — many, many women face mentally taxing and painful challenges when it comes to breastfeeding. This is of course a conveniently ignored attribute, because a mother’s strife is a noble sacrifice for the sake of their infant not having to consume formula. (Society actually ignores women’s entire existence and autonomy past the function of being a caretaking machine after they become mothers, but that’s a whole other conversation.)

It's #BlackBreastfeedingWeek! From Serena Williams to Michelle Obama, these celebrity moms have shared the ups and downs of breastfeeding. https://t.co/fqhu5fzwMr

— SheKnows (@SheKnows) August 25, 2022

Extremely common side effects of breastfeeding include clogged ducts, mastitis, low-to-no supply, chapped and calloused nipples, and engorgement, to name just a few. According to a study performed by UC Davis Medical Center, per NPR, 92% of new mothers reported having difficulties with breastfeeding, and just 13% managed to breastfeed exclusively for six months.

Regardless of the overwhelming majority of women who struggle in some way with breastfeeding, the CDC reports that “the American Academy of Pediatrics and the World Health Organization recommend exclusive breastfeeding for about the first 6 months, with continued breastfeeding along with introducing appropriate complementary foods for up to 2 years of age or longer.”

.@hgtv star @ErinRNapier received lots of love for sharing an IG post about being pro-formula-feeding. https://t.co/VJolFFQdKa

— SheKnows (@SheKnows) June 4, 2021

But wait, wait, wait — let’s not forget that while society shames women who don’t breastfeed, they also shame those who do breastfeed, especially in public — because, you know, feeding your hungry child the way in which tell you you have to is apparently gross and inappropriate. Make. It. Make. Sense.

Contrary to unbelievably popular belief, women should not and do not have to subject themselves to the physical and mental struggles that often occur while breastfeeding when bottle-feeding baby formula is a completely safe and healthy alternative. In fact, Mount Sinai, one of the highest-ranking medical facilities in the United States, reports that “infant formula is still a healthy choice, and your baby will get all the necessary nutrients [that they would via breast milk].”

.@ashleygraham's latest billboard promotes both breastfeeding and formula feeding your little ones. https://t.co/y9FslAl5Jk

— SheKnows (@SheKnows) September 9, 2022

If breastfeeding is a breeze for you, that’s beautiful and amazing and great! But if you’re a mom who isn’t able to breastfeed with ease, formula feeding is also beautiful and amazing and great because it means your baby is fed, happy, and healthy. Formula feeding your child does not make you a bad mom. If you’re facing the wrath of mom-shaming and guilt, we want you to make that your new mantra! Say it with us: Formula feeding does not make me a bad mom.

If you need a little extra reassurance, take it from some of the world’s most well-known moms who’ve opted to formula feed instead. From Ashley Graham to Chrissy Teigen, the following celebrity moms have vulnerably shared their personal experiences to help destroy the ridiculous stigma surrounding formula feeding and assure other mothers that they are not alone in the often harrowing breastfeeding experience — because fed genuinely is best.

I’m racked with guilt over the traditions I’m not carrying on well enough. For not bothering with a real tree. I’m so busy, my house smells like pine only from candles. I’m trying to mentally schedule my time for the two busiest weeks of the year as if I’m actually three people. The advent calendar is emptying out, and there isn’t enough boozy eggnog in the world to calm my nerves. I toss and turn at night, and not because visions of sugarplums are dancing through my head.

Through all the exhaustion, the piling expenses, the trips to Homegoods for the festive-yet-stylish indoor holiday décor, I’m plagued with an unexplained dread. Beyond the season’s implied pressure to have the best possible time, and cram priceless memories down everyone’s throats like so much unwanted fruitcake, there’s an awful fear that Christmas won’t meet anyone’s expectations, and after all that preparation it will end too fast and in disappointment. I can almost feel it slipping through my fingers as the days get shorter and darker. I wondered where that uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach was coming from, why I was setting expectations so high that I was readying myself for a letdown before it even happened. 

I considered this while unpacking bins of Christmas decorations from our basement storage. In them, carefully packed in boxes and paper, are “first Christmas” ornaments, souvenirs from vacations … I even have my original stocking with my name scrolled across the cuff in glitter glue. Because Christmas is a time machine. Everything we see in our homes, at stores, and on television is infested with nostalgia: the smells, the aesthetics. We’re instantly and constantly transported to memories of traditions — special moments with people close to us, many of whom are now gone. In fact, for me, the Christmas memories are so concentrated and overwhelming, they make it very hard to be present in the now.  

As the anxiety and anticipation for the planning and execution of my daughter’s perfect Christmas sets in, I start to realize that I’m unconsciously doing something I suspect a lot of parents do at Christmas: I’m trying (unsuccessfully) to recapture the feeling of being a kid at Christmastime. I think, through recreating Christmas celebrations from our childhoods for our children, we’re all trying to rediscover something we lost. It’s as if the Christmas of our own childhood were something you could bottle — not something that has vanished. Because that feeling is a joy our brains can only feel when they’re new, when their connections are fresh and burgeoning, before they’re burdened with unpleasant information and bad experiences and before all the mundanities of life have piled up. 

I realize I’m not simply unselfishly creating a Christmas morning for my daughter; to some degree, I’m trying to relive my own.  

That realization hit me particularly hard this year. I started to see that there will never be a “perfect” Christmas. And the more I try to force one, the more I feel like I’m missing it. Christmas should evolve, but we ignore that evolution by trotting out old traditions and stubbornly treating it like an etched-in-stone institution. But Christmas, as any holiday, will continue to change. Sometimes, unbeknownst to us at the time, we will celebrate a last Christmas. Families will split up, people will pass away, and gatherings will get smaller. We will visit our parents and start to feel like their equals. We will grow up. 

Ultimately, the trick with the Christmas time machine is that it’s an illusion. Everything has changed and will continue to change; our old memories are only special because we can never return to them. We finally realize that, every day, every moment, good and bad, memorable and banal, is fleeting and irreversible — and over. Then, when we stop fighting and let the push for perfection fall short, what we’re left with might be melancholy or painful, but it’s truly beautiful in its honesty.

So rather than constantly distracting ourselves and setting ourselves up with unrealistic expectations, let’s find the presence to celebrate this Christmas how it is, before it’s gone. Because Christmas is never perfect until it’s gone — until you have some distance, until you can’t get it back. Christmas is perfect in our memories. So even if your cookies are store-bought, your tree is plastic, and your gifts small or nonexistent, your child is going to remember this Christmas with you — and will dream, someday, of returning to it.

A version of this story was originally published in December 2019.

There are the things we feel compelled to do in order to make sweet memories for our kids, like decorating and baking cookies and driving around to see Christmas lights and moving the damn elf into a new and creative position every day. There are the obligations around gifting, because who’s in charge of most of that? Oh yeah: moms. We’re responsible for the gifts for our own kids, remembering who likes what (this week), and choosing the perfect picks, while still making sure things are relatively even between siblings. We’re responsible for gifts for spouses, parents, in-laws, and extended family. We’re responsible for stocking stuffers. We’re responsible for the gifts for everyone else, too — teachers, for example — and we stew over where to draw the line (just the regular classroom teacher or do we include the librarian, the janitor, the secretary, the art teacher?). And then there are the school-related things we have to remember and prepare for, like theme days leading up to holiday break (Monday: Dress Like an Elf Day. Tuesday: Crazy Holiday Hat Day) and concerts and plays (do those dress shoes still fit, and where did I last see them?). We won’t even delve into arranging the schedules around seasonal parties, get-togethers, and family gatherings.

Add all this to our already overflowing plates and it’s a recipe for a mental health disaster. Being a mom on a normal day is hard enough; being a mom during the holidays can lead to next-level stress. Why is all of this our responsibility by default? Sociologists call it a “stalled gender revolution” … but Moms call it “We’re sick of all the work falling to us.”

How Did We Get Here — & Why Is It Still This Way?

We talked to a handful of experts to determine why moms do all the things during the holidays, and it boils down to several key factors.

Traditional gender roles. Despite the strides we’ve made in gender equality, there’s still a long way to go, and the holidays serve to highlight this. “Moms mostly bear the weight of the holiday plans and execution because moms are generally responsible for significantly more of the household management,” Aaron Steinberg, MA, PCC tells SheKnows. (This isn’t an anecdotal complaint; according to Pew Research, women in heterosexual relationships spend on average 3.5 to 4.5 more hours on household tasks than their spouses.) “Unfortunately, the ramp-up of responsibilities to manage during the holidays — gatherings, presents, cooking, decorations — doesn’t tend to inspire more fairness, but just puts more on the mom’s plate and leads her down the road of burnout.”

Weaponized incompetence. If you haven’t heard this buzzy-but-accurate term, it refers to someone — typically a partner and/or co-parent — pretending they can’t do something in order to avoid the responsibility of doing it. This includes doing something poorly on purpose (even if they have the skills to do it well) and making excuses for why they can’t do something, even if those excuses aren’t entirely true: too busy, too tired, etc.

“[The task] ends up being more work for the other parent to demonstrate, explain, provide materials, or justify why they need help than it would to just do it themselves,” says LSCW and Parent Coach Leigh Ellen Magness. “Everyone is at fault here — the parent who says they can’t, and the parent who doesn’t challenge that.”

Perfectionism, people-pleasing, and “Mom guilt.” Though a lot of moms’ holiday burden comes from a lack of support from those around them, we’d be remiss not to mention the expectations we heap upon ourselves — because there are a lot.

Social media, and the illusions it perpetuates, is one of the biggest culprits. “The media is the perfectionism evangelist and has been since the advent of commercials,” says Magness. “Women fall prey to the beliefs that everyone else has it figured out and they’re the sole human without flawless skin, well-behaved kids, a clean house, and an Instagram-worthy holiday menu.” Because of this, she says, we run ourselves ragged trying to live up to impossible standards and unreasonable demands: “That means it’s difficult to let go of some of the holiday ‘responsibility’ because women may be fearful that their partners won’t get it right, and that will be some reflection of their worth.”

Psychotherapist Atara Malach reminds us that as moms, we often see ourselves as the only ones who can do things “right.”

“When talking about gifts, [moms] have a special intuition of what they know that people around them want,” she says. And sure, we could delegate the task of picking and purchasing those things to a significant other, but we don’t — and Malach sees it time and time again. “From my experience of decades of working with people, they usually get more frustrated because more money is spent, it falls flat, the gift gets returned to the store, so they figure they might as well do it themselves to save time and money.”

Another culprit? The dreaded guilt that every mom is familiar with. Between societal expectations and the nagging sense that we need to check certain boxes in order to give our kids a picture-perfect holiday, we let guilt coerce us into doing things we really don’t have the extra time or energy to do — because if we don’t, we feel like we’re failing the ones we love.

What Are the Symptoms of Holiday Mom-Burnout?

You might think all this leads to just being more tired than usual, but burnout can manifest itself in many ways.

“Burnout is not just about physical fatigue; it’s an emotional and mental exhaustion that comes from the constant pressure to create a perfect holiday experience for everyone else, often at the expense of their own well-being,” explains Dr. Alexander Alva, Psychiatrist & Medical Director of the Mental Health Center of San Diego.

Of course, that doesn’t mean that fatigue isn’t part of the equation too. “Burnt-out moms can fall into insomnia, which only exasperates them even more, as they are absolutely exhausted and feeling like they’re living on the razor’s edge,” says Malach.

Clinical psychologist Dr. Daniel Glazer offers up a list of “red flags” that let moms — and their families — know when enough is enough. “Signs to watch for include crankiness, feelings of isolation, tendencies to micromanage, perfectionism, resentment, and emotional detachment from partners and children. These are indications that the burden has surpassed reasonable limits,” he says. “When such exhaustion sets in, it’s crucial to seek relief from the pressures of ‘martyr mothering.'” Other burnout clues that may be less obviously recognizable are avoidance behaviors (like an uptick in drinking or a noticeable increase in time spent on social media), stress headaches or other physical ailments (stomach troubles, for example), and increased forgetfulness and/or trouble concentrating.

So What Can Be Done to Prevent It?

If we want to change the narrative around moms taking on the entire extra holiday workload, it’s going to take some societal changes — but those start at the macro level, in our homes, and with our families. So how do we start? First off, Dr. Alva tells SheKnows, it’s crucial to acknowledge and normalize these feelings.

“It’s okay to feel overwhelmed and to recognize that managing everything single-handedly isn’t sustainable,” he says. And once we’ve done that, we should keep our expectations in check — by being reasonable about what we can do, realistically, and not what we think we should be doing based on what we see on social media or what society at large expects of us.

“It’s important for moms to set realistic expectations for themselves and their families,” says Dr. Alva. “The essence of holidays is to enjoy and cherish time with loved ones, not to achieve perfection in every detail.”

Communication is also important, he stresses, as is not being reluctant to delegate things to others (i.e., loosening the reins of perfectionism and letting someone else take control of certain things) — a sentiment echoed by Dr. Caroline Fenkel, LCSW, adolescent mental health and parenting expert and chief clinical officer at Charlie Health.

“Encouraging open communication about expectations and fostering a collaborative approach to holiday planning can help alleviate the burden,” she says. “Moms should prioritize their well-being by incorporating moments of relaxation, seeking support from partners and family members, and being willing to delegate tasks. Emphasizing the significance of shared responsibility and creating a supportive environment can go a long way in preventing and alleviating mom burnout.”

Explain in clear terms to your family that if they all want the holiday season to go smoothly (and for you to not lose it in the process), you’re going to need their assistance. For kids, instead of just placing demands on them, Malach recommends framing it in a way that makes them feel needed. Find an age-appropriate chore they can take off your plate, whether it’s holiday-related or not, and ask them to help you out.

“The key component of this is to describe what you need and how you are relying on them to fulfill that task. For example, ‘Wow, I couldn’t have done it without you!’ Or, ‘You make our dinnertimes run so smoothly!'” Malach advises. “By making them feel needed you’re creating connection, cooperation, and confidence.”

Also, during the hustle and bustle of the season, making sure you’re taking time to care for yourself is more important than ever. Dedicate a few minutes each day — physically pencil it into your schedule as though it’s an appointment you need to keep — to do something you enjoy that benefits you. Even if that means letting something else slide.

… Just don’t spend that time scrolling through social media. Because those perfectly curated images of holiday happiness may make for a pretty Instagram timeline, but they’re part of what leads us to the overwhelm in the first place.

I’m sure most people reading this can relate — the days between Halloween and New Year’s Day are tough. Festive, but exhausting. That’s especially true for single parents and solo parents: parents who, like me, have no co-parent in the picture at all.

On any given day, single parents are juggling an impossible number of balls. Add holiday season chaos to all of that, and we’re the juggling headliners in a three-ring circus.

Underneath all that juggling, there’s a layer of loneliness, too. Or, at least, an acute awareness of the fact that we are single parents — and if we drop a ball or two, there’s no partner to swoop in and catch it.

Admitting that isn’t a cry for help. It’s not a call to non-single parents to lengthen their already overwhelming holiday “to-do” lists in order to drop off a casserole or help wrap gifts — although I’m sure that’s always appreciated. It is instead simply a call to awareness, a call to support single parents in ways that require little effort and aren’t always obvious.

Give Us a Heads Up

Single parents’ bandwidth is stretched to the absolute maximum on a regular day. We’re wholly responsible for the emotional, physical, mental, financial, spiritual, social, and intellectual well-being of our children, plus all the regular stuff that comes with being an adult: bills, careers, car troubles.

When the holiday season comes around, things start to slip through the cracks. Often, those “things” feel minor in the face of daily challenges — like being up to date on the hottest gift trend or being on top of the holiday “must do” activity — but they end up being the cause of a major child meltdown. (Yes, this example comes from experience.)

A text from a friend letting us know all the girls are getting XYZ and the store is selling out, or that all the boys are excited about ABC holiday show and asks if we’ve gotten tickets feels like a gift. And it is. That heads-up is the gift of catching one ball before it shatters and tossing it back into the mix.

Invite Us Along

Holidays are family time. Of course, we all want to focus on making memories with our families — our own children who are growing up too fast — and I’m not suggesting anyone run out and buy the single parent in their life an extra set of matching PJs for the family holiday card. But an invitation to go ice skating with your family or to come over for a gingerbread house decorating contest goes a long way.

The single parents are doing all of that on their own, anyway. Most would appreciate having an adult there for some of it. A little adult conversation goes a long way.

Bonus: the kids get a built-in playdate.

And yes, the phone works both ways, as do the invitations. Single parents can do the inviting and hopefully, that effort is reciprocated. But the truth is, sometimes relationships with single parents are a little lopsided. Sometimes we can’t see beyond our stretched bandwidth, or find the courage to admit this is lonely.

Lean Into the Friendship

During the holiday season, when we’re in the thick of trying to do all the things without any help, we can get tunnel vision. A call from a friend to talk about celebrity gossip, their partner’s terrible boss — or whatever — is a reminder that our identity is more than our single parenthood. Sometimes that small reminder is enough to deflate some of the building pressure.

Also, if you’re calling a single parent, be real in those conversations. Vent about whatever needs venting on your end. Let single parents support you, too. When we can, we want to. Though maybe be a little sensitive, and save the extended venting about what a bad gift-giver your partner is for someone else.

Listen and Validate

This one’s simple. Just listen and acknowledge that it’s hard. No need to try to fix it.

Give a Little Grace

Without a doubt, there are single parents who are more on top of trends, who are the ones sending out the heads-up to other parents. There are others who have no interest in making plans with other families, and they’re not interested in talking about the latest celebrity gossip. This isn’t a one-size-fits all list.

The one thing that’s true though, is that all single parents could use a little extra grace during the holiday season. A little extra patience. We all could, of course.

My intention is never to start a “who has it harder” war. It’s divisive, and I don’t think anyone can win that battle — or should win that battle. My intention is simply to acknowledge that holidays are tough for single parents, and we might need a little more support. Maybe that looks like swooping in to catch a ball we dropped during our juggling act; maybe it looks like helping us return to ourselves.

Whatever it is — it’s appreciated more than you know.

After all, as a parent, once the school year starts, you disappear — swallowed into the endless minutiae it takes to help their kids thrive at school. The holidays are smack dab in the middle of the schedules, activities, and assignments. Even I, an avid homeschooler, can appreciate that the holidays are at best inconvenient, and at worst, horribly disruptive and stress-inducing. 

It doesn’t help that in general, gender inequalities are prevalent in household work throughout the year, but housekeeping around the holidays increases for women because of school and child-care closures — not to mention “festive” events. According to a 2021 YouGov poll, 48% of self-identified women said they do all or the bulk of Thanksgiving dinner cooking, while only 25% of men could say the same. 

In addition, women are usually the people who tend to and keep up familial relationships during the holidays. We’re the ones planning holiday get togethers, asking for updated addresses, planning the holiday card or letter, asking for present lists, and all the other minute details of making a smooth holiday season where the kids are happy and no family members get unintentionally left behind. 

It’s exhausting on a normal day; during the holidays, it’s untenable and impacts our mental health. But as for me, I’m largely unbothered … because ever since I’ve decided to abdicate all responsibility during the holidays (and in general), life’s been great.

I’m tired, aren’t you?

I’m sick of seeing my mom friends just run themselves ragged trying to cook, clean, and care for their families with almost no help from their partners or children. They’re almost always angry, resentful, hurt and just fed up. (And honestly, I don’t blame them. I would be, too.) Throw in the holidays on top of this, and they’re just done. They want to cancel Thanksgiving and Christmas and just leave their families and join a commune.

I used to be just like my friends. I would go all out on Thanksgiving, prepping and making a turkey that no one particularly wanted to eat — even when I had a newborn or was heavily pregnant. I would write yearly Christmas letters and make 200 copies, buy a ton of stamps, and hand-address and mail them. I would spend all year stowing away presents (even though I eventually forgot where I hid them) and buy more at the last minute. I would buy a fresh tree every year and made a big deal out of the kids decorating it with homemade ornaments. 

While I enjoyed it, I always felt like a bit of a fraud. I keenly felt the desire to give my kids an “American” holiday experience, even though as a child of immigrants, I was just fine with the way my family had celebrated. 

After my husband noted for the umpteenth time how all this rigmarole actually stressed me out and that he would be fine with eating Chinese takeout on Thanksgiving and Christmas, or not even having a tree, I asked myself, “Why? Why am I doing this to myself?”

And so … I stopped.

Who said it had to be you?

No, seriously. Who said?

Examine all the stuff you do for the holidays. Do you even like doing them? Then imagine the worst that would happen if you just … didn’t do it. Usually, nothing happens except a few people are disappointed — and maybe, family or friends might say mean things because you’re no longer behaving in the manner to which they’ve become accustomed.

They’ll get over it. If they really want something to happen, they can plan/cook/buy/decorate it. And if not, oh well. 

For instance, this year for Halloween, short of buying the candy, I did nothing. I put up zero decorations, did not buy my kids any costumes, and did not facilitate their trick-or-treating discussions other than to tell them the general start time in our neighborhood. My kids made and posted their own Halloween decorations, asked their father to buy a lot of pumpkins for them to draw on and carve, picked out their own costumes and asked my husband to approve and purchase online, and they made a plan for their trick-or-treating with — you guessed it — their dad.

I asked them to do zero of these things. But since they wanted it, they made it happen. They rose to the occasion admirably.

Just don’t do it.

Yes, I’ll be the anti-Nike here. 

I stopped doing anything that I hated for the holidays, all the things that brought me stress instead of joy, and you know what happened? Absolutely nothing. 

That’s right. Nothing. 

Oh, sure. Some folks asked about the Christmas letters and cards, commenting how they missed them, but overall, I got very little pushback — not even from my mother or children. 

My kids know not to expect Christmas presents from us, although they do receive presents from other family members. This year, I gave them the option of having a toy I ordered recently right away or they could wait until Christmas. The four kids were split and finally, the kids who wanted something under the tree won. But all the emotional labor was on them, not me. I just had to press ‘buy.’

Is every family going to be as easy-going as my family and friends were? No, of course not. 

Your kids will likely complain about not having a tree, or decorations, or enough presents. Other people — including your own family — will demand you revert back to who you used to be. They’ll say you’re ruining the holidays and that it’s your due as a parent. As a mother. 

But why?

Delegate the emotional labor to someone who wants it.

Yes, it really is just as simple as that. 

If someone whines to me that they miss XYZ that I used to do for them, I tell them they are welcome to do it! I tell them all the steps it involves, all the work and responsibility, and if they still want to do it, I would be happy to give that to them! It would be my absolute joy, in fact.

And yes, this applies to my children, too. 

Of course, we cheated. Two years ago, I gave into their desire to have a Christmas tree after not having one for a few years. I bought a fake tree that was self-lit and made them decorate it. I told them I would not be responsible for putting the tree and its decorations away and since they didn’t want to either, we’ve had the tree up for two continuous years.

There have been absolutely zero consequences. Except for a year-round Christmas tree.

Manage expectations.

Of course, a lot of this works because I have trained my children and husband throughout the year. You see, I have not only applied this tactic to the holidays, but to my life in general — and I can 100% guarantee you that I’m way less stressed than my fellow mom friends.

It’s only fair and right to give your family a heads up, maybe an explanation that you’re tired of carrying the entire burden yourself. It’s your responsibility to follow through (because they won’t believe you). But as for all the other responsibilities, let them go – and feel no guilt about it. Because if your family wants it badly enough, they are more than capable of making it happen.

Chabert, who stars on the cover of SheKnows’s latest holiday issue, opened up about her favorite childhood holiday traditions and how she’s recreating them — as well as starting new ones — with her own family.

“I love the feeling of walking downstairs and seeing the Christmas tree lit up and [the] ornaments and it’s glowing,” she says. “It reminds me of my childhood and it brings back so many good memories and it gives me just this warm feeling. And I’ve really enjoyed being a mother [and] now recreating that for my daughter. The most special thing for the holidays for me, now, is passing on those traditions that I grew up with and seeing the magic through her eyes.”

From Christmas Eve cookie baking to Elf On the Shelf, Chabert delights in ways to make the holiday extra special for her daughter leading up to the big day. “We get very excited for Santa’s arrival,” she says. And fellow parents of little kids, take note: Chabert also shares a pro-tip for getting her daughter to sleep on Christmas Eve. After laying out all the cookies and carrots for Santa and the reindeer, she says, “We go to bed early after we’ve watched a Christmas movie by the fireplace with the beautiful twinkling lights on the Christmas tree. And then, it’s amazing, when we’re going to bed we always hear Santa’s bells. So we know the sleigh is nearby. So we know we have to go to sleep.”

Umm, genius! So let that be Chabert’s gift to parents everywhere. And for more of her favorite holiday traditions watch the full video, above, and check out our holiday issue cover story, The Queen of Christmas.

The reasons that celebrities — just like, you know, all other human people — turn to surrogacy are varied, whether they’re same-sex couples, single parents, or struggling with infertility… or a myriad of other reasons. And plenty of stars (including Amy Smart and Elizabeth Banks, for example) speak openly about their choice to use a surrogate, seeing the discussion as an opportunity to share their years of fertility struggles in hopes that their stories will help other families.

Kim Kardashian West is another high-profile mom who’s candid about her choice to use a surrogate to have two of her kids. “I love my surrogate, we have a really good relationship,” she told Entertainment Tonight in April 2018 of the surrogate who gave birth to baby Psalm. “I really trust her and I definitely see, like, the first time that I went through it, I was a little bit more anxious, and texting more and calling more, and I feel like my surrogate this time around, really is such a protecting person and I really trust that in her.”

We love to see stars who are unafraid to get candid about the many ways it’s possible to grow your family, and how they made their decisions. Ahead are several dozen celebs who had kids through surrogacy, and what they’ve had to say about the process.

A version of this article was originally published in June 2017.