When it comes to discussing periods and menstrual health with your teen, there are many approaches parents can take. You can broach the topic with books (The Care and Keeping of You, anyone?), have some candid conversations, talk about it with your teen’s doctor — whatever makes the both of you feel most comfortable. And while it can feel awkward, it’s definitely a conversation that needs to be had, some way, somehow, and keeping that door open for other questions or issues your teen might have is crucial.
That’s where a dad in a recent Reddit AITA post is getting some heat. He took to Reddit after a family disagreement that has to do with his daughter’s period pain, and whether he should have a say in whether the pain is bad enough for her to stay home from school or not. The daughter and mom both want to know his opinion; he doesn’t want to give it. Feeling confused? Redditors are too.
It’s a nuanced post with multiple rounds of edits already, and over 2.6k comments and votes (and counting). So what’s the issue and — most importantly — where does Reddit stand? Is this dad trying to avoid mansplaining and giving opinions on something he’s never experienced? Or is he just trying to get out of a tough conversation? Let’s break it down.
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“I Know My Lane”
Image Credit: Adobe Stock The dad (aka OP, the person who “originally posted”) is 42 with a 13-year-old daughter who came up to him complaining of “cramps and heavy flow” and asking to stay home. “Her mom said she needed to ask me,” OP explained, but he responded that “I am not qualified to make that call and if her mom says she can stay home she can stay home.”
That response didn’t go over well. “My daughter thinks I am mad at her and my wife thinks I am trying to be uninvolved.” OP acknowledged that that’s “technically true” but says it’s because “I am not qualified to be involved, I know my lane and am sticking to it.”
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The Reasoning
Image Credit: Adobe Stock OP’s thought process is simple: “I don’t have any personal experience” with menstruation, so he shouldn’t be the decision-maker when it comes to what is or isn’t severe enough to go to school.
“Have a cold, I can opine. Have the flu, I can weigh in. Have a migraine and I can put in my two cents. Have a heavy flow and cramps and I am out of my depth, go talk with the woman in your life who knows all about it and I will defer to that judgment.”
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Some Clarifications
Image Credit: Adobe Stock In edits, OP said that he and his wife didn’t classify the cramps as something requiring “an immediate run to the ER.” He continued, “We have taken her to the ob/gyn and are fully aware of what is going on. She and her mom both just have heavy flow and bad cramps (or so they tell me, mom goes to those appointments not me because what 13 year old girl picks dad to accompany them for such an exam).”
He added that the situation isn’t a “periods are icky thing,” but, from his perspective, a “your mom is better equipped to help you learn when you stick it out and when you don’t” thing. “I want my wife helping her learn that threshold, not expect me to teach it.”
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Is It Cramps, or Just Wanting to Miss School?
Image Credit: Adobe Stock What the parents were trying to decide was whether “the cramps [are] really that bad or is this studentious fallitis.” OP believes that the “best person to make that call is her mom because she knows what the cramps feel like better than I do” — and her mom is home and available to make the decision. So, is OP the asshole “for insisting I am not the right person to make decisions on mentrual cramps?”
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Reddit Weighs In
Image Credit: Adobe Stock Many of the post’s responses addressed the fact that OP and his wife should let her daughter stay home (which, in an edit, he said they ultimately did). Others urged him to take her to a doctor if she’s consistently experiencing painful, heavy periods — which is solid advice, and something OP says he and his wife have done as well.
As for the comments addressing OP’s question — whether he’s the asshole for not wanting to be involved in decisions pertaining to his daughter’s period — there were a few different opinions, but the majority seemed to be in agreement.
“You and your wife need to get your shit together,” one commenter wrote. “I’ve been the kid who gets bounced around from parent to parent … Figure your shit out with your wife and don’t put it on your kid.” They added that, just because OP is a man, doesn’t mean he can’t do some research as well. “There is tons of education out there for you to brush yourself up on so you can help in the best way you can. Your daughter … needs structure and support from her parents, not deferral of responsibility.”
Another commenter agreed. “To me, this is the real issue. The parents should discuss the situation between them and come to a decision if neither one wants to make the call alone. This ‘ask your father / no, ask your mother’ rubbish isn’t fair on the child. The parents need to grow up.”
Others noted that OP shouldn’t get a free pass just because he’s never had a period. “WTH with the whole ‘me have penis and cannot know about periods’ thing?” one person asked. “I assure you that just because you haven’t had a particular condition, you are still able to use your brain and your empathy to figure it out.”
“You may not be able to empathize as someone who has experienced or is even capable of experiencing what she’s going through,” another Redditor agreed, but that isn’t a reason “to go straight from ‘I can’t experience empathy so fuck it, going with apathy’”. They continued, “You’re her parent. You are absolutely qualified to say ‘honey, I love you and trust you, and if you don’t feel well enough to go to school today, I’ll support you.’”
Here’s hoping OP — and any other parents in similar situations — takes the advice to heart and makes sure their teen feels heard and supported when period issues (or any other health questions!) come up.
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