Open relationships are becoming more commonplace, with 1 in 5 Americans having experienced one at some point in their lives, according to a 2016 study. But just because more of us are experimenting with this kind of relationship, doesn’t mean we’re all cut out for it. And if the conversation comes up, some of us might find that it’s a hard boundary: monogamy, or no relationship at all. A woman on Reddit is going through just that experience now, and she knows exactly where she stands — but now she’s wondering (and asking Reddit) if she overreacted.
This 29-year-old wife has been married to her husband, 28, for seven years, and they’ve been together for nine total. The couple got married out of necessity (more on that in a minute) and our OP (aka original poster, or the person who posted the thread, in Reddit-speak) says their relationship has “flourished” over the last year. “Arguments are rare and we are pretty good at coming to understandings and apologizing when necessary,” she says.
That is, until OP’s husband came to her in October, out of seemingly nowhere, saying he wants an open relationship. OP had a strong reaction and made a quick decision, but now she’s wondering — and asking Reddit — if she did the right thing. So what exactly happened, and what does the Internet think? Let’s get into it.
-
“A Pretty Healthy Relationship”
Image Credit: anatoliy_gleb/Getty Images OP and her husband got married when they were 20 and 21 years old, respectively, for a touching reason — they wanted to receive custody of OP’s husband’s half-sister (10 at the time) after her mom passed away suddenly. They did receive full custody, which OP says “really sets the tone of our relationship with the sacrifices we made together and the things we each had to give up personally to raise this beautiful little girl.”
Now her husband’s sister is 17, and moved out last year to live with “an older, more financially privileged aunt.” As a result of the new alone time, OP says she and her husband “have flourished each personally and as a couple.” She continues, “I feel we had a pretty healthy relationship. We each do little things for each other. I receive flowers no less than 10 times a year. We go on little vacations together… I guess a bit of the spark was sputtering out for a while, but I feel like that’s normal for a relationship as long as ours.”
-
A Shocking Conversation
Image Credit: praetorianphoto/Getty Images In October, OP began noticing that her husband seemed depressed, which she said “is normal for this time of year because of the timing of losing both his mom and dad in different years around the same time.”
OP’s husband asked her to have a serious conversation, and began it by saying he wants to open up their relationship. “I felt my heart drop to my stomach,” OP says. Her husband didn’t explain why, but “just jumps right into rules and explains how he wants me to find someone first before he starts looking for someone himself. When I ask him why, he couldn’t explain it and fumbled his words. I asked him if he already had someone in mind for himself, and of course he denies it.”
-
“Totally Blindsided”
Image Credit: Mavocado/Getty Images OP felt “totally blindsided” and “blew up,” she explains. She decided to sleep on the couch, and says her husband didn’t come back or attempt to explain anything, “which kind of made me feel worse.” She continues, “I had never felt so unwanted in my life than in that moment.”
-
OP Thinks It Over
Image Credit: Yana Iskayeva/Getty Images OP soon realized that an open relationship wouldn’t work for her. “I will never judge anyone for wanting to live that kind of life, but it’s just not for me,” she says. After “crying for hours” the next day, “I came to the realization that this was the end for our marriage. Even suggesting an open marriage was a deal breaker for me, I realized.”
-
Understanding Why
Image Credit: Delmaine Donson/Getty Images After a second conversation with her husband, OP says she realized a few things. For one thing, her husband “is way kinkier than he let’s on, and is disappointed with our bedroom life.” OP isn’t “on the same level,” so her husband chose not to try (or even talk about trying) certain things so as not to push her boundaries. “He also is unhappy with how infrequently we have sex but has never really put in the effort to change anything regarding it,” she says.
OP’s husband believes he wasn’t able to explore his kinks because they got married so young, and on top of that, he now believes they have nothing in common after his sister moved out. Finally, he specified that the open relationship he wants isn’t just “sleeping around with whoever we wanted.” Rather, “we would each have a boyfriend or girlfriend of our own that we went on dates and did things together. Someone we were each allowed to love and be with sexually. An emotional connection was pivotal for him, which broke my heart to pieces.”
-
OP Wants a Divorce
Image Credit: LIGHTFIELD STUDIOS - stock.adobe OP was honest with her husband, saying that “I would never be able to look at him the same.” After this conversation, she felt that “I would never be enough for him, and he was basically trying to get a pass for guilt free cheating in my eyes.” She explained, “it sounded like he wanted to be with someone else without ever leaving the comfort of his marriage.” While her husband denied this, said he didn’t want to lose her, and proposed marriage counseling, OP drew a hard line. “I told him just proposing an open marriage was grounds for divorce for me.” Upset, her husband told her, “if we go back into a relationship and pretend this never happened then he would end up cheating on me. For him, it was open marriage or nothing.” OP says, “I chose nothing,” and filed for divorce a week later.
“I can’t believe I wasted so much of my time with him,” she says. “Helping him heal his family and raise his sister; I feel completely used.”
-
Reddit’s Response
Image Credit: Oscar Wong/Getty Images While OP seemed set in her response, she still wanted to know what Reddit thought — specifically whether she overreacted, should have waited longer before filing, or tried marriage counseling after all.
From top to bottom, Reddit told her to continue with the divorce while praising her strength and self-belief. “I am so impressed by OP and her bravery, courage and dignity,” wrote one commenter. “It’s so difficult to leave the comfortable and familiar and I applaud you OP for not dragging out your pain and hurt and humiliation.”
“I’m just an internet stranger but I’m so proud of OP for standing her ground and putting herself first,” another Redditor added. “She’s going to be okay.”
Other commenters agreed that OP’s husband appeared to have used her to help his family. “It’s like she served her purpose,” one person observed. “Now that the little sister is 17 and moved out, he’s ready to be off to the races to ‘live the life he missed out on.’” Another Redditor agreed, saying, “Now he wants to sow his wild oats. Let him. He doesn’t deserve his lovely wife. Some day, he’ll realize what he lost, and by then, it’ll be too late.”
It was a comment section full of support, validation, and encouragement for our OP as she leaves her long-term relationship. “You’re a genuine fucking queen and I am so damn impressed that someone who got married so young and has so little relationship experience was STILL able to see this shit man for the person he is,” one commenter said. “You’re waaaaaay ahead of the curve. You’re going to be just fine and find someone who will worship you in the way you want and deserve.”
We think Reddit and OP have it right. She’s drawn her boundaries and they’re rooted in self-respect. Divorce is painful and losing a long-term relationship hurts deeply, but she’ll be better off knowing that she’s leaving a situation that was no longer right for her.
More Stories from Health & Wellness
Leave a Comment