There’s nothing like the hustle and bustle of the holiday season to stress parents out — particularly moms, who are typically in charge of making all the merriment. We think of it as a time that caters to kids, and a lot of it is. They’re off school. They’re getting gifts and eating candy. They’re excited. They couldn’t possibly have anything to be stressed about, right?
Well … wrong. Because just like us, kids can experience holiday stress — and all the moodiness that goes with it.
As it turns out, even when it comes to the holidays, too much of a good thing is still too much. And that can lead to your kid being surly, cranky, or whiny, with behavior that should probably land ’em right on the dreaded “naughty list”. Instead of threatening to call Santa, it’s time to step back and take a look at the possible stressors your kid could be facing. We asked the experts what could trigger your kid’s meltdowns, and how to make things easier for everyone involved.
The Disruption of Daily Routines
Even the most easygoing of kids are still creatures of habit — and some of them absolutely need routine to get by. But during the holidays, they’re off school, and maybe we’re off work. They’re sleeping in, going to bed at a different time, not doing what they usually do. And though it sounds glorious, it can actually prove to be a very big stressor for little ones.
Psychiatrist and mental health expert Dr. Ketan Parmar tells SheKnows, “During holidays, the routine is often disrupted. Kids used to a structured day might find the abrupt change unsettling.” He recommends trying to stick as closely to your kid’s normal routine as possible; they find predictability soothing. “This will provide structure and stability for children, minimizing the impact of schedule changes,” he says.
If you do have to change up your child’s routine — because sometimes it’s inevitable, especially if you’re traveling — Leah Orchinik, PhD, a pediatric psychologist with Nemours Children’s Health, recommends letting your kids know what’s going to change ahead of time. “Ahead of big events or changes in schedules, caregivers can help kids adapt by communicating the plan and what to expect to everyone,” she advises. “When possible, stick to typical routines, such as a story time ritual before bed, even if you’re away from home.”
Overwhelming Events and Unfamiliar Faces
Holiday calendars fill up with unprecedented speed, and we drag our kids to events that are long and sometimes boring and full of people they don’t know. We spend most of their lives coaching them not to talk to strangers, but suddenly we’re asking them to hug a relative they haven’t seen since they were two weeks old. These events might happen during their usual naptime or around their typical bedtime — or they may have fallen asleep in the car on the way and then awoken to a chaotic and unfamiliar environment. It’s no wonder they’re not in the best of moods!
Licensed family therapist Kelly Oriard tells SheKnows, “Big parties can be overwhelming at times to little ones. This doesn’t mean you need to skip the fun altogether but consider having some downtime in between big, loud, or bright outings.” She also says parents should think about the interactions kids will be subjected to.
“As adults, many of us don’t stop to think about the unique social interactions that happen during the holidays,” she says. “From Aunt Julie asking for hugs and kisses, to protocol for opening gifts, young kids are sometimes at a loss for how to act. Prepping kids for what to expect can help them learn appropriate behaviors, and stepping in to help set boundaries can help empower kids to determine what interactions feel good to them.”
“For those more introverted, limit social gatherings’ length or have soothing activities on standby when they need to recharge,” adds clinical psychologist Dr. Daniel Glazer. “Help susceptible kids ease transitions with countdown warnings. Empower the anxious ones by mapping out what (and who) to expect at each celebration.”
Remember: not every holiday engagement is mandatory! We can (and should!) be very picky about what we say yes to this time of year, especially if our kids are struggling. And talking to them can go a long way; by getting their input on whether or not they want to go, and letting them help in the planning process, it may make them more comfortable.
Unrealistic Expectations
Of course, it’s every parent’s dream to have a well-behaved child who takes all these gatherings and interactions in stride and smiles politely and remembers their manners; not hiding their faces or doling out glares instead of grins. But setting our expectations too high — especially for kids who are feeling “thrown off” to begin with — is setting them up for failure.
“The pressure to participate in various holiday activities such as performances, gift exchanges, and socializing can be overwhelming for kids. They might feel the need to meet expectations or fear being judged,” says Dr. Parmar. “Set realistic expectations for your child during the holidays. Talk to them about any expected activities or events and assure them that it is okay if they do not want to participate in everything.”
Additionally, “Caregivers should aim to be realistic and know that sometimes it isn’t the right moment to take the perfect family holiday photo,” Dr. Orchinik tells SheKnows. “Keeping in mind the fact that kids, like adults, are allowed to have negative emotions and reactions, can help families adjust expectations as needed.”
Parental Pressure
Kids are like sponges — and if we’re stressed to the max, it’s going to trickle down to them. If there was ever a time to check our own responses to our children, it’s right now, when tensions can be at an all-time high. When we’re uptight, anxious, resentful, or feeling any negative way, our kids will pick up on it through the way we act. Much like we’re instructed on a flight to secure our own oxygen masks before helping anyone else, we need to make sure we’re in the best possible mental state, because we can’t help our kids if we’re barely functioning ourselves. Say no without a second thought to events and obligations you simply cannot handle, and schedule downtime the way you would schedule an appointment – that way it’s a priority.
“Burnout is not just about physical fatigue; it’s an emotional and mental exhaustion that comes from the constant pressure to create a perfect holiday experience for everyone else, often at the expense of their own well-being,” Dr. Alexander Alva, Psychiatrist & Medical Director of the Mental Health Center of San Diego, previously told SheKnows. “It’s okay to feel overwhelmed and to recognize that managing everything single-handedly isn’t sustainable.”
Sugar Overload
We’d never advise taking a hard pass on all the sweet holiday goodies; that would practically be criminal, and Christmas comes but once a year. However, as any parents knows, sugar crashes are real — and dietary changes plus an overload of treats can equal cranky kiddos. Try to not only keep your kid’s meals on a reasonable schedule, but minimize overindulgence where you can by limiting them to a couple of their favorite treats per day — and only after mealtimes.
So if your kid is acting less than holly-jolly during what’s supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year, anything on this list could be the culprit. As tempting as it is to just let our normal routines slide in favor of fun and frolic, it sometimes comes back to bite us when our kids are overloaded. It’s our job as parents to help give them some stability this holiday season, even if it means giving up on a few holiday traditions. Determine your “must-do” activities, and then make sure they’re balanced with regular routine and plenty of downtime. You might just be surprised at how quickly they’re back on the nice list!
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