Ask any mom during the holidays, and they’ll tell you their life is an even larger-than-usual flurry of to-do lists and obligations. On top of regular momming, which is difficult enough on a normal day, we’re also tasked with all the holiday extras: namely, making everyone’s season merry and bright.
There are the things we feel compelled to do in order to make sweet memories for our kids, like decorating and baking cookies and driving around to see Christmas lights and moving the damn elf into a new and creative position every day. There are the obligations around gifting, because who’s in charge of most of that? Oh yeah: moms. We’re responsible for the gifts for our own kids, remembering who likes what (this week), and choosing the perfect picks, while still making sure things are relatively even between siblings. We’re responsible for gifts for spouses, parents, in-laws, and extended family. We’re responsible for stocking stuffers. We’re responsible for the gifts for everyone else, too — teachers, for example — and we stew over where to draw the line (just the regular classroom teacher or do we include the librarian, the janitor, the secretary, the art teacher?). And then there are the school-related things we have to remember and prepare for, like theme days leading up to holiday break (Monday: Dress Like an Elf Day. Tuesday: Crazy Holiday Hat Day) and concerts and plays (do those dress shoes still fit, and where did I last see them?). We won’t even delve into arranging the schedules around seasonal parties, get-togethers, and family gatherings.
Add all this to our already overflowing plates and it’s a recipe for a mental health disaster. Being a mom on a normal day is hard enough; being a mom during the holidays can lead to next-level stress. Why is all of this our responsibility by default? Sociologists call it a “stalled gender revolution” … but Moms call it “We’re sick of all the work falling to us.”
How Did We Get Here — & Why Is It Still This Way?
We talked to a handful of experts to determine why moms do all the things during the holidays, and it boils down to several key factors.
Traditional gender roles. Despite the strides we’ve made in gender equality, there’s still a long way to go, and the holidays serve to highlight this. “Moms mostly bear the weight of the holiday plans and execution because moms are generally responsible for significantly more of the household management,” Aaron Steinberg, MA, PCC tells SheKnows. (This isn’t an anecdotal complaint; according to Pew Research, women in heterosexual relationships spend on average 3.5 to 4.5 more hours on household tasks than their spouses.) “Unfortunately, the ramp-up of responsibilities to manage during the holidays — gatherings, presents, cooking, decorations — doesn’t tend to inspire more fairness, but just puts more on the mom’s plate and leads her down the road of burnout.”
Weaponized incompetence. If you haven’t heard this buzzy-but-accurate term, it refers to someone — typically a partner and/or co-parent — pretending they can’t do something in order to avoid the responsibility of doing it. This includes doing something poorly on purpose (even if they have the skills to do it well) and making excuses for why they can’t do something, even if those excuses aren’t entirely true: too busy, too tired, etc.
“[The task] ends up being more work for the other parent to demonstrate, explain, provide materials, or justify why they need help than it would to just do it themselves,” says LSCW and Parent Coach Leigh Ellen Magness. “Everyone is at fault here — the parent who says they can’t, and the parent who doesn’t challenge that.”
Perfectionism, people-pleasing, and “Mom guilt.” Though a lot of moms’ holiday burden comes from a lack of support from those around them, we’d be remiss not to mention the expectations we heap upon ourselves — because there are a lot.
Social media, and the illusions it perpetuates, is one of the biggest culprits. “The media is the perfectionism evangelist and has been since the advent of commercials,” says Magness. “Women fall prey to the beliefs that everyone else has it figured out and they’re the sole human without flawless skin, well-behaved kids, a clean house, and an Instagram-worthy holiday menu.” Because of this, she says, we run ourselves ragged trying to live up to impossible standards and unreasonable demands: “That means it’s difficult to let go of some of the holiday ‘responsibility’ because women may be fearful that their partners won’t get it right, and that will be some reflection of their worth.”
Psychotherapist Atara Malach reminds us that as moms, we often see ourselves as the only ones who can do things “right.”
“When talking about gifts, [moms] have a special intuition of what they know that people around them want,” she says. And sure, we could delegate the task of picking and purchasing those things to a significant other, but we don’t — and Malach sees it time and time again. “From my experience of decades of working with people, they usually get more frustrated because more money is spent, it falls flat, the gift gets returned to the store, so they figure they might as well do it themselves to save time and money.”
Another culprit? The dreaded guilt that every mom is familiar with. Between societal expectations and the nagging sense that we need to check certain boxes in order to give our kids a picture-perfect holiday, we let guilt coerce us into doing things we really don’t have the extra time or energy to do — because if we don’t, we feel like we’re failing the ones we love.
What Are the Symptoms of Holiday Mom-Burnout?
You might think all this leads to just being more tired than usual, but burnout can manifest itself in many ways.
“Burnout is not just about physical fatigue; it’s an emotional and mental exhaustion that comes from the constant pressure to create a perfect holiday experience for everyone else, often at the expense of their own well-being,” explains Dr. Alexander Alva, Psychiatrist & Medical Director of the Mental Health Center of San Diego.
Of course, that doesn’t mean that fatigue isn’t part of the equation too. “Burnt-out moms can fall into insomnia, which only exasperates them even more, as they are absolutely exhausted and feeling like they’re living on the razor’s edge,” says Malach.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Daniel Glazer offers up a list of “red flags” that let moms — and their families — know when enough is enough. “Signs to watch for include crankiness, feelings of isolation, tendencies to micromanage, perfectionism, resentment, and emotional detachment from partners and children. These are indications that the burden has surpassed reasonable limits,” he says. “When such exhaustion sets in, it’s crucial to seek relief from the pressures of ‘martyr mothering.'” Other burnout clues that may be less obviously recognizable are avoidance behaviors (like an uptick in drinking or a noticeable increase in time spent on social media), stress headaches or other physical ailments (stomach troubles, for example), and increased forgetfulness and/or trouble concentrating.
So What Can Be Done to Prevent It?
If we want to change the narrative around moms taking on the entire extra holiday workload, it’s going to take some societal changes — but those start at the macro level, in our homes, and with our families. So how do we start? First off, Dr. Alva tells SheKnows, it’s crucial to acknowledge and normalize these feelings.
“It’s okay to feel overwhelmed and to recognize that managing everything single-handedly isn’t sustainable,” he says. And once we’ve done that, we should keep our expectations in check — by being reasonable about what we can do, realistically, and not what we think we should be doing based on what we see on social media or what society at large expects of us.
“It’s important for moms to set realistic expectations for themselves and their families,” says Dr. Alva. “The essence of holidays is to enjoy and cherish time with loved ones, not to achieve perfection in every detail.”
Communication is also important, he stresses, as is not being reluctant to delegate things to others (i.e., loosening the reins of perfectionism and letting someone else take control of certain things) — a sentiment echoed by Dr. Caroline Fenkel, LCSW, adolescent mental health and parenting expert and chief clinical officer at Charlie Health.
“Encouraging open communication about expectations and fostering a collaborative approach to holiday planning can help alleviate the burden,” she says. “Moms should prioritize their well-being by incorporating moments of relaxation, seeking support from partners and family members, and being willing to delegate tasks. Emphasizing the significance of shared responsibility and creating a supportive environment can go a long way in preventing and alleviating mom burnout.”
Explain in clear terms to your family that if they all want the holiday season to go smoothly (and for you to not lose it in the process), you’re going to need their assistance. For kids, instead of just placing demands on them, Malach recommends framing it in a way that makes them feel needed. Find an age-appropriate chore they can take off your plate, whether it’s holiday-related or not, and ask them to help you out.
“The key component of this is to describe what you need and how you are relying on them to fulfill that task. For example, ‘Wow, I couldn’t have done it without you!’ Or, ‘You make our dinnertimes run so smoothly!'” Malach advises. “By making them feel needed you’re creating connection, cooperation, and confidence.”
Also, during the hustle and bustle of the season, making sure you’re taking time to care for yourself is more important than ever. Dedicate a few minutes each day — physically pencil it into your schedule as though it’s an appointment you need to keep — to do something you enjoy that benefits you. Even if that means letting something else slide.
… Just don’t spend that time scrolling through social media. Because those perfectly curated images of holiday happiness may make for a pretty Instagram timeline, but they’re part of what leads us to the overwhelm in the first place.
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